Sirius Black's Day Care Center
by Avalon Estel
Summary: By my sis Alu. Sirius opens a day care center, as the title implies. Things really stray from the original plan, and include ambushes, torture, and general insanity. Chapter Seven up! [COMPLETE]
1. In Which Sirius Gets A Job

Sirius Black's Day Care Center

-Note from Avalon Estel-

I did NOT write this story. The original concept was mine, everything written up to the point where Lily starts inspecting the house is mine. The rest? Uh-uh. Not mine. My little sister's. Just hers. Her name is Alu. Well, now that that is established, you can continue.

Chapter 1: In Which Sirius Gets a Job ( O.o That does not sound good.)

What if almost everyone's favorite Marauder decided that in order to make some extra pounds (or Galleons), he would open a day care center in his apartment? I mean, how hard could it be? They're just little kids. Unfortunately, he was dead wrong.

Sirius was sitting in his living room, admiring himself in a mirror and burning letters from crazed fan girls. There was a knock at his door.

"Yep, I'm comin', mate!" Sirius said, getting up and walking casually to the door.

He opened the door. Lily Potter stood outside, her eyes narrowed, clutching Harry tightly to her chest.

"Heard you opened a day care center," Lily said, looking him up and down.

Sirius just nodded in response.

"Heard you burn letters from fangirls," Lily said, cocking her eyebrow at him, lifting her narrowed eyes.

"Uuuuuhhhh..." Sirius said, blushing.

"I thought so. And you know why I'm here?" she asked, narrowing her eyes again.

"I'll make a wild guess. James?" Sirius said, slightly intimidated.

"That's right. Stupid husband of mine, always wanting to look out for his friends... And himself... Cares nothing for his baby's welfare..." she continued muttering to herself, then narrowed her eyes even more, if that was possible.

"You know, Lily, if you want, I'll take Harry," Sirius suggested, trying to be rid of her as fast as he could.

"NOT UNTIL I'VE CHECKED THIS PLACE OUT!!!!" Lily yelled at him and clutched Harry tighter. Harry gasped and choked, trying to breathe.

"Okay," Sirius said meekly. Lily was the only woman he was scared of. Then he noticed the choking child and pointed a finger at Harry "You're gonna kill your kid, by the way," he said.

Harry had begun to turn blue.

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD!!" she shouted, loosening her grasp on the poor child. She turned him around and rested him on her hip.

"Okay," said Sirius, feeling much smaller then usual.

Lily walked into the house and started inspecting everything.After she was finished she walked back to the door and cautiously handed Harry to his godfather.

"Okay, Sirius. Harry's naptime is 11:00 AM and not a minute later, he likes apple juice and crackers for snack time. You'll find that I've already packed some in the bag resting near you armchair. When he wants to sleep, you have to read him to sleep and he won't settle down until you give him his rattle. His favorite toys are cars and trains. I'll be back by five. Don't let him watch violent cartoons, and whatever you do don't give him sugar. Maybe some small candies, but nothing bigger then a sugar quill." She stopped then, taking in a good deal of air. Then she turned over only to see that Sirius had discovered Harry's belly button and began to tickle him. "Sirius Black, did you hear me?" asked Lily, causing Sirius and Harry to jump.

"Um, yes, Lily. Don't worry, you can trust me."

Lily glared at him and gave Harry a big kiss on the cheek.

"Um, bye Lily," Sirius said waving.

Lily looked back and glared at him. Sirius shivered once she finally turned away. Then he looked down at Harry whose eyes were filling up with tears as his mom disappeared around the corner.

"Mama!" Harry whimpered and reached his hands out in an attempt to grab her.

"Hey, Harry why don't we go in the house and get ready for the others to come?" Sirius said, looking down at he poor infant, then walking into the house.

After an hour or so, Sirius and Harry had cleaned up the house. Then, the doorbell rang and they went to open it. A plump, red-haired woman stood outside the door. She had a baby about Harry's age strapped to her chest, two twins in a stroller, and one, about five years old, holding her free hand, a huge dictionary tucked under his arm. They all had the legendary red hair and freckles of the Weasley family.

"Molly, how are you? I see you and Arthur have been busy. What happened to Charlie and Bill?" Sirius asked, looking down at children he had not even known existed.

"Hello, Sirius. Just fine thank you, and Charlie and Bill are in muggle school. I heard you opened a daycare center. So I thought I'd just leave my kids here for a while. Oh, I'll be back by at least 5:00. I need some rest. There is another one coming you know," said Molly, pushing the stroller and the five year old towards Sirius. " And don't worry about what to feed them. Percy has memorized that by heart," she added, unstrapping the baby from her chest.

"What are all their names?" asked Sirius in complete confusion.

"That's Percy," she said, pointing to the five year old. "That's Fred and George, the twins," she said, pointing to the children in the stroller. Just as she did one stuck his finger in the other one's ear, causing the other to laugh. "They're bad influences on their brother Ron," she said, handing him the baby.

Sirius looked at all the children and almost whimpered himself. "But, Molly, I can't."

"Goodbye, children. Be good for Sirius, and Percy I'm counting on you to help watch over the kids," Molly said, waving from the other side of the block.

Sirius headed back into the house. Harry looked at the children in bewilderment and back up to his godfather.

"Hey, Harry. Look what I've got. A new friend for you," Sirius said, lowering Ron and sitting him next to Harry.

Harry and Ron stared at each other for a minute or two. Ron stuck his thumb in his mouth and Harry pointed at his two trucks that came in the bag Lily left him.

"Cowr!!!" Harry said to Ron. Ron grinned and they both sat down and started to ram each other's cars into the wall.

"VOOM, VOOM. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Harry cheered, clapping his hands together.

Sirius turned to the twins in the stroller and unbuckled them both. They stood up next to each other. Sirius crouched down in front of them. Fred stuck his finger in Sirius's ear and George started to laugh.

"This is going to be a long day," Sirius said, getting up.

He slowly staggered to his armchair. Just then the doorbell rang.

"I'm coming!" He got up and quickly and ran to the door, jumping over random objects.

Sirius opened the door and there were two muggle parents and a small girl about Harry's age standing next to them. The parents were holding a flier.

"Um, excuse me, but is this 'Sirius Black's Day Care Center'?" asked the father, lowering the piece of paper.

"Why, yes it is. How can I help you?" Sirius asked as Harry and Ron peeked around his legs.

"Oh, yes. We're going to be late for work. We'll be back at five. Here's a list of what Hermione needs. We'll just be a few blocks away. If there's anything wrong please just call this number." They handed Sirius a card. "Bye, sweetie. We'll be back later, okay?" The mother cooed to her daughter, then they left. Harry and Ron came out from behind Sirius's legs.

Hermione smiled at Harry and Ron. Harry smiled back and waved. Ron just glared at the new girl and walked away. Harry stuck his finger in his mouth, looking like he was thinking, then looked at Hermione and motioned for her to come into the house. Then he turned and followed Ron. Hermione followed Harry quickly, a little intimidated by Sirius.

Harry pointed to the trucks again. "Cowr!" Harry said and offered Hermione his.

Hermione took the car. "Not 'cowr', 'car'. It's an object, not an animal," Hermione said, lifting her finger.

Harry and Ron looked at each other. "Cowr?" Ron asked.

"Cowr," Harry said.

"Humf," Hermione said, shaking her head and walked away muttering something like "BOYS".

A/N - Note, this is Alu, NOT ME!!!!-: So did you like it? I hope you did, because there's more coming! Just wait a while, the plot bunny has bitten me and Mom says it won't heal for a while. WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	2. In Which Daycare Centers Are Used As Exc...

A/N: So did you miss me? Come on, be honest. I know you did. Fine, be that way. Oh, yeah. And I like to thank my reviewers, Paige Woodland, Katatonia, Pansmint. Sarah, Miss Piratess, Arwen Light, Visualpurple, Zoicytes-Shadow, Danidrow, and my mother and father for having me (Squeals) I couldn't have done it without you. Oh, yeah, and the weird looking elf with the long hair for putting me up on her account. Lets all give it up for Avalon!!! (Everyone in the audience claps as Avalon walks onto the stage.) Okay that's enough of that. (Pushes Avalon off stage.) See you at the end of the chapter!!

Chapter Two: In Which Daycare Centers Are Used As Excuses On Why You Didn't Come To Your Second Cousin's Birth

After her fight on grammar with Ron and Harry, Hermione joined Percy by the window looking up words. Sirius was about to ask Hermione something when the doorbell rang. Sirius walked to the door sighing. When he opened it he saw a very skinny woman with light blonde hair that made him feel like he was going to go blind. With her was a baby around Harry's age with the same hair and scary blue eyes looking at him. And for some strange reason her nose was always in the air. Always.

"Narcissa, how are you? And who's this handsome little boy here? Looks like his dad," Sirius said, beginning to sweat.

"Sirius, me and Lucius did not see you at Draco's birth. Why weren't you there?" she asked looking down at Harry, who had just appeared from behind his godfather's legs.

Draco looked down and stuck his tongue out at Harry.

Harry pointed up at him. "UUGY!" Harry shouted, then began to giggle opening his mouth to reveal two rows of teeth.

"I heard you opened a daycare center so I was going to leave Draco here if that's alright," she added looking at the two toddlers glaring at each other. "I think Draco will get along fine with the other kids. Don't you think so, Sirius?"

"Oh, yes, of course, Narcissa. I did set up this daycare center as a surprise for Draco," he added, laughing and taking Draco in his arms. "Of course, it took a while to get it up."

Harry didn't like that move. Sirius was _his_ godfather.

He tugged on Sirius's robes. " SIRRY!" he whined, reaching up for him.

"Okay, Harry. Sirius is here." He bent down and scooped Harry up into his other arm. Harry snuggled up close to Sirius's chest and closed his eyes, instantly falling asleep.

Draco and Sirius said their goodbyes to Narcissa, then went into the house. When they entered the house, Sirius lowered his head and kissed Harry on the forehead. Sirius laid Harry down on the couch. Ron saw him asleep and looked disappointed. He popped his thumb out of his mouth and snuggled up next to Harry. He was also asleep in seconds. Hermione walked over to them and looked at them, shaking her head.

She grabbed a blanket and threw it over them, smirking. She was soon hoping to become Harry and Ron's friend. After a while of struggling, Sirius got all the children to go to sleep. Well, he thought he did. He allowed Percy to stay up about five minutes later because he was older. He started to count.

"Okay, we have Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred and George, and Percy reading. And it's eleven o'clock, just as Lily asked. Wait! There's one missing. But who?…..Draco Malfoy. " He looked under and in all of the furniture.

Then he searched the rooms. He heard humming in one of them. He looked in his room and there right next to the dresser Draco stood, combing his hair with Sirius' favorite comb.

"Hey, mate, what…..are…..you…..doing….in….here?" he asked, wrenching to comb out of Draco's hand.

"MINE, MINE, MINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!" Draco screamed, but Sirius was stronger.

He had the comb in no time. He picked up Draco with one arm and held up his comb in triumph in his other hand. Sirius walked Draco to the living room and sat him down by the others. He was right next to Harry. In frustration, Draco bit Sirius' arm so hard that it left bite marks. Two children began to snigger. He looked up and saw Fred and George chuckling and pointing to him.

He began to walk to them, but Percy got to them first. "You heard what mum said. I know Sirius is lazy and immature, but you must look past that and see that he's a friend and…. FRED GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF GEORGE'S EAR NOW!" Percy bellowed at the top of his lungs.

Fred, shaking very badly, obeyed. Sirius bent down next to them and tickled under their chins. Sirius loved tickling babies because they made him laugh, too. Percy raised his eyebrows at the sight of his brothers rolling on the floor. He laughed and continued the process. Harry sleepily got up and went to the bag his mom left him.

He dug his hand inside for a while, then brought out a brown teddy bear. Harry had only slept for ten minutes. That definitely wasn't enough. He walked to Sirius and took his hand. He slowly led him to his recliner. Sirius picked Harry up and sat down in the chair pulling the lever. Harry hugged his teddy bear and snuggled up to Sirius and they both were soon asleep. Percy shook his head. Now that Sirius was asleep it was up to him to get Draco, Fred, and George to sleep.

He cracked his knuckles. "Well, they're just babies. How hard can it be?"


	3. In Which Babies Rule the World

A/N: All right, all right. I'd like to thank all my reviewers, and blah,blah,blah,blah. Anyway, Percy has to keep them quiet for a while until it's actually snack time. Let's see how it goes.

Chapter 3: In Which Babies Rule the World (BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)

"Okaaay!! Listen up, little ones," cried Percy over all the cries of the toddlers in the room. "Sirius is asleep, so you all have to listen to me." George let go of Draco's hair and Fred took his finger out of George's ear.

All the babies looked at him with their big eyes. Oh, how Percy hated those eyes. "Why?" came a cry from Hermione's bed.

"What?" asked Percy in bewilderment. He had just explained it and Hermione had a better vocabulary than the others. He was hoping she would be smarter.

"I said why. Why do we have to listen to you? I'm sorry I didn't hear the beginning," She said and rubbed her sleepy eyes.

Just then Percy had an idea. If he could keep the conversation going it might just be boring enough to make the babies go back to sleep. It always worked at home. "Well you see Hermione ­–OUCH!! Hey, what was that for?" He turned while Fred sniggered - or was it George?

"Percy got an ouchy! Percy got an ouchy! Percy got an ouchy!" they chanted over and over.

Hermione got up and walked over to them. "Hey, stop that. It isn't nice you know," she said as they all looked at her.

Draco got up. "Mudbud!" he said, pushing her over. Everyone stood there trying to translate the words and find out what he meant.

At all the noise Percy looked over. Thankfully, Sirius was still asleep. But Harry wasn't. He got up and crawled right over his godfather's face and to Hermione's aid.

"UGGY!!" he shouted and shoved Draco so hard that he fell over.

Then Ron started to struggle and rolled off the sofa. After waking up to this shock he burst into tears. As quick as lightning, Percy was at his side. He swooped up his baby brother and sat him in his lap.

"It's okay, Ron, Percy's here," he said, hugging the crying child and stroking his red hair. "It's okay."

Ron looked up with his tear-streaked face. "Pewcy?" he asked as a smile broke out on Percy's face.

"Yes, Ron, it's Percy," he said embracing the boy once more, then setting him down on the floor. "It was all a bad dream." Hepulled out a hanky and wiped Ron's face off.

"Bad dweem?" asked Ron, blowing his nose into the hanky.

"Yes, bad dweem, Ron. But it's all gone now, okay?" he said, returning the cloth to his pocket.

"Okay," he said, planting a big kiss on his brother's cheek

Percy and Ron stood up. Fred and George walked over with their thumbs in their mouths looking embarrassed.

"Sowy Ron, We-"

"didn't mean to –"

"wake you up-"

"really."

"It's awright. Pewcy saved me," Ron said proudly, hugging his big brother's legs.He only made it to his waist.

Percy was about to hug the three of them when someone shouted, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE PUREBLOOD OR NOT!! MUDBLOOD IS A BAD THING TO SAY!!"

"So that's what he said," Percy mumbled, mostly to himself

"Mudbud."

"Stop! "

"No! Why? Scawed?"

"No! Why would I be? I have Harry."

"Huh?" asked Harry, being pulled into a fight he wished would have ended.

Percy turned back to his brothers. "Okay, we need to get them away from each other. When I say 'go', we all grab one. Ready?" They all shook their heads "no" in unison. "GO!!"

Percy dived at Draco and started to drag him away, but had a hard time doing it. Fred had Hermione in aheadlock, while George had one of Harry's arms as Ron pulled the other. Harry walked away willingly. But Hermione and Draco weren't giving up so easily.

"MUDBUD!!"

"SLIMEBALL!!!"

"MUDBUD!!"

"SLIMEBALL!!"

"What the heck is going on?" Sirius mumbled sleepily, looking at the seven toddlers.

Harry, George, and Ron had their backs to the wall all holding their ears with white faces. Fred had Hermione and was struggling to drag her away, going very red in the face, as was Percy.Hermione and Draco threw insults at each other at the top of their lungs, their faces (if possible) redder thana Weasley's hair.

"Oh, no. I fell asleep. If Lily heard about this, I'd be dead."

They all stopped and looked at him. Hermione and Draco stood up straight sending Fred and Percy stumbling backwards. "HE/SHE STARTED IT!!" they yelled in unison, pointing at each other.

They all stood there in silence waiting for an answer as Sirius rushed for a diversion in his head. Just in the nick of time the doorbell rang.

"You all stay were you are while I see who that is okay?"

"OKAY!!" they all answered innocently as he left the room muttering.


	4. Oh, Yeah

A/N: AHHHHHHHH!!!! OH MY GOSH!! I CAN'T BELIVE I FORGOT TO CHANGE THE AUTHORS NOTE AND PUT IT UP!!! HOW RUDE!! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!! I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT YOU ALL STAYING WITH IT!!!! I WAS GOING TO CHANGE IT AT THE LAST SECOND WHEN I HAD SOME IDEAS ON WHAT TO SAY THAT WERE FUNNY!!! OH, NO, NOW MY GUILT IS COMING! I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO AND AGAIN BY ALL MEANS I AM SO SORRY!!!! (Goes into her room and cries.) I'm a bad girl, please don't hate me. Non-existent Doritoes to everyone who stays!! And I'd like to thank Panamint for reviewing, Zoicytes-Shadow, Miss Piratess for two, and Moony Rox for three reviews. I hope you all stay.

Chapter Four: Oh, Yeah (v-v Poor Remus) 

Still muttering to himself, Sirius walked to the door. Very irritated, he opened it to find – not an enemy – but one of his former schoolmates. A joyful smiled erupted from ear to ear on his face.

"Remus! It's you! Oh, I'm so glad I have someone my age to talk to. Come in, come in, and don't hesitate," Sirius said, dragging his old friend Remus Lupin, aka Moony, into the house.

"I was just wondering if I could – ACCCHHHOOOOO! Oh, I'm sorry! Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry. Sinuses." He sniffed and blew his nose with a handkerchief. " What about you? What have you been doing?" he asked, following his friend into the living room.

"Earning some extra galleons," Sirius said, casually shrugging and turning the doorknob.

"It's amazing! It's a sign of the Apocalypse! You got a job!" Remus gaped at his lazy friend.

"I don't know what the Apocalypse is, but, yeah," Sirius answered. He opened the door, revealing a roomful of kids.

Remus was too busy talking to notice. "You still haven't changed, have you? The Apocalypse is when…"

"…Is when the Earth is about to end. But as this good gentlemen stated it, he meant it as a way of sarcasm," said Hermione as she and Harry walked up to Remus.

"That's just what I was going to say," Remus said in shock.

"Remmy!" Harry squealed with joy as his almost-uncle came into the room.

"Not now Harry, I'm trying to…HARRY!" He scooped the infant up. "Sirius did you kidnap him again?" he asked, cradling Harry (who giggled) and glaring at Sirius.

"No! Not this time. I opened a daycare center and Lily dropped him off."

"I highly doubt that. Lily would rather die then leave Harry in your care," Remus laughed. "So how did you get into the house this time? Please be honest."

"Remmy!!" Harry cried again, tired of being forgotten of.

"Yes, Harry, it's Remmy, now wait until I'm done talking to Sirius, okay?" he cooed gently to the baby.

Sirius could have gagged. "No, really! Here's the flyer," he said, holding up a piece of paper. "And I have some other kids here, too. This is Percy, Fred, George, and Ron, you know the Weasley kids. This is Hermione. Some muggles dropped her off. And this is Draco, Narcissa and Lucius's son."

"Narcissa and Lucius had a son?" Remus asked in total shock.

"I know. Isn't it incredible?" Sirius asked sarcastically. "People have children!"

" Ha, ha, Sirius. Very funny," His friend said, shaking his head. His old friend was still the same after all.

"I know I am," Sirius said, sweeping into a low bow.

"Well, I still don't believe you – OUCH!" He gaped at Harry and stared at his finger. "HE BIT ME!" he cried, still staring at the laughing infant.

Sirius laughed hysterically at his friend.

"HE BIT ME!" cried Remus, more loudly this time.

"Yeah, that's kind of strange," Sirius said calmly, wiping a tear from his eye. Sirius doubled over in laughter again.

Remus looked around at the kids in his surroundings. Percy was bent over in a clearly important conversation with his younger brother Ron. One of the twins stuck his finger in the other's ear, causing him to laugh. Draco was quietly humming to himself, running a black comb through his pale blonde hair. Hermione was practically hiding behind Remus' legs as Sirius moved towards her, and Harry was still laughing non-stop with his godfather. Percy nodded repeatedly to Ron, said something. He got up and went to Sirius's side.

He tugged at the grown-up's sleeve. Sirius calmed down a bit, but he was still giggling. "What?" he asked. He looked at Remus and began to laugh harder.

"Ron says he's hungry, and I've received many of the same complaints from others. Such as myself," Percy said, folding his arms on his chest.

"You haven't even fed them?" Remus asked in disbelief almost instantly.

Sirius and Harry stopped laughing abruptly. A long silence followed. The only sound in the room was the constant humming of Draco in the corner of the room. But nobody cared about that. They all kept their eyes on Sirius and Remus.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot that part," Sirius answered in a low voice.

A/N: GUESS WHAT!!! I JUST GOT BACK FROM AFRICA!!! Sorry, would have been here sooner but I had to track Avalon and her domesticated emu. Had a hard time with that. And unfortunately I had to hire Steve Irwin. After I found Avalon he asked if he could study her rare breed of emu. But I turned him down and gave him Avalon instead. Until next week!! HEIGH HO HEIGH HO!!! TIME TO GET AVALON BACK!!! UNFORTUNATLY HERE COMES MY DEATH!!! HEIGH HO HEIGH HO!! R&R PLEASE!! I STILL HAVE SOME NONE-EXISTANT DORITOES BAGS NOT OPEN YET!!


	5. SNACK TIME!

A/N: (Alu walks onto stage with a neck brace and crutches) HI!!! Guess what? That's right! Avalon let me live at the last second. So you'reall stuck listening to me and my stupid babble about absolutely nothing. (the audience begins to boo her) You just don't know talent when you see some! Anyway, while I was in the hospital I finished this! (Holds up "The Hobbit") MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!! NOW, ONWARD TO LORD OF THE RINGS!!!!!

Chapter 5: SNACK TIME!!!!!

"You forgot, huh?" Remus asked unbelievingly.

"Yeah. You got a problem with my memory?" Sirius asked in an offended voice.

"No, but they do," Remus answered, as calm as possible. It's hard to do so whenone istalking to a moron. He then pointed to the surrounding infants. All except Malfoy, of course. Yes, he was still in that corner.

"Well, anyway, now that I remember, I'm going to go make some, okay?" Sirius asked, glaring.

They all smiled (all except Malfoy) and chanted, "Okay!"

They all stared at him and he stared back.

Remus decided to break the silence. "Well? What are you waiting for? Go get these kids some food," he ordered Sirius.

"All right! I'm going! I'm going!" he said as Remus rushed him. "But first I need him," he added, hastily picking up Percy and shoving him into the kitchen,starting to closethe doorbehind him.

"Him?" Remus asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Me?" Percy asked in complete bewilderment, which wasawkward for Sirius.

"You!" Sirius confirmed and almost shut the door completely, but Remus' foot was faster.

"And just what do you need him-"

"Percy!" the little boy countered."I have a name you know."

"Okay, Percy, then. Why do you need Percy?" Remus asked, frowning slightly.

Sirius poked his head out the door. "Because I kind of forgot what they eat,and he didn't," he said and hurriedly slammed the door in his friend's raging face.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Remus shouted from the other side of the door.

Sirius wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and sighed.

"You know? I think he was trying to break the door down," Sirius said.He began to laugh.

The door creaked. It started to fall. Sirius stopped and looked down at it blankly.

"Ummm, I think he did," Percy said, pointing.

Sirius pulled out his wand. "You're no Muggle, so you can see this." He flicked his wand and muttered a spell. The door shot up and went right back into place.

"I can't believe I'd stoop to saying this, !" Percy said, punching the air.

"That, my dear lad, is true art - not that stupid stuff on pieces of paper," Sirius said, blowing at the top of his wand. "So what do the children want to eat?"he asked, picking up two oven mitts shaped like black dog headsand a chef hat.

"I have it all written down right here," Percy said proudly, holding up a piece of paper.

Sirius ran his eyes over it. "Well, you make this stuff, all right?" Sirius said, thrusting the paper back into Percy's hands.

"All right. But what will you make?" Percy asked, pocketing his paper.

Sirius gracefully threw his chef hat into the air and it once again gracefully landed on his head. "Muffins."

Remus had just torn Harry away from Draco when he looked at the clock. But something was not right. It had been an hour and Sirius was still in the kitchen. Remus threw the loose strands of hair from his face. He walked to the door, arms folded across his chest. When he approached it, there was a loud explosion and the door blewopen thenslammed into place. Its sides were covered in black and smoke was coming from the top. There were muffled sounds coming from the other side of the door.

Remus rested his head against it.

"Sirius!"

"What?"

"Your robe's on fire."

"Huh? AHHHHHHHHH!!!"There camea girlish scream from inside the kitchen. "GET THAT GLASS OF WATER OVER HERE NOW!!"

" But.."

" NOW!!"

Then there was a splash of water followed by along sigh. Remus pushed away, knowing better than to listen to more. He lowered his hand to the doorknob. But before he rested his hand on it, it began to turn on its own. He folded his arms onto his chest again. Slowly the door creaked open. Sirius' fingers curled around the rim of the door. Soon his face emerged and he looked at Remusin utter terror. They stood there,neither expression changing. Then slowly Sirius' eyes shrank back to normal size, and his frown became a smile. He kicked the door open with one leg and came out into full view. In his hands, whichwere insideblack dog ovenmitts, was a tray of muffins. The bottom of his robes were damp and Remus knew why. Percy followed him coughing and holding a tray of crackers and juice.

Sirius' smile widened as the children looked up at him. "Who wants muffins?" Sirius asked, lifting the tray higher.

Then, at that moment, there was a blinding light that shot straight at Sirius. When the light subsided, there was silence.Sirius' hair was standing on end and his face was pitch black. Remus whirled around to see who had done it.Standing in front of Sirius and behind Remus was Fred and George holdingRemus' wand, their eyes as big as dinner plates and their mouths hanging open. Then they looked at each other and started to laugh.

Sirius' eyes were still huge. Slowly, he turned to Remus. "Could you hold this for me?" he asked, handing him the tray.

"Sure thing, mate," Remus laughed and took the tray.

Sirius staggered out of the room and into the bathroom. After he cleaned up, they all ate their lunches and calmed down. Remus and Sirius went into the kitchen slowly, chattering away as they sipped their coffee. Meanwhile, in the other room in a far corner sat seven toddlers, all whispering amongst themselves. And the leader of this whispering tribe was none other than…Percy. Now I shall not sayjust what they said but I will tell you this, so listen.

"...Then I'll come in. Okay?" Percy asked.

"But I thought that's when I come in," asked Fred.

"No, you're later. Okay. Now is everyone ready? When I say 'go', Draco, that's your cue." They all agreed and got into position.

"Now!" said Percy.

Nothing happened.

"Draco, that's your cue."

"But you said when you say 'go'!"

"Oh, all right. Go!"

Draco burst into tears, as planned. Remus and Sirius came bursting through the door.

"What's wrong, Draco? What happened?" Remus asked.

The lights went out.

All was silent.

"Oh, great. An ambush," Sirius said, folding his arms onto his chest.

"HE'S ONTO US!!! GET THEM NOW!!!" someone cried.

After a while of screams and grunts, the light came back on. Sirius and Remus were tied together in a sitting position.

Sirius began to wiggle, but couldn't get out. "Hey, good job on the ropes," he said, looking downat them all proudly.

"Sirius?" Remus asked in a quiet whisper.

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

A/N: HOPE YOU LIKED IT! There's still three chapters leftin store, so don't you dare leave. If you do, I will track you down and force you to read it. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! (coughs) Well, actually, I don't. But I know how to tell. (pulls out a phone book) Oh, darn! Did I do that in front of you? Shoot, I hate it when I do that. Oh, well. I'll find you somehow. Oh, yeah. This isn't Alu writing, but I will not tell you who is. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! R&R soon. Love, Alu. (O-o) Darn it all! I did it again. (Dies of aggravation) Well, if I don't come back to life (which is only if you review) I won't write another chapter. So there. Thanks to Avie, MoonyROX!, Miss Piratess, Super Shayde,. Moonmage, Zoicytes-Shadow, andDazzling Dame.


	6. In Which Sirius Loses His Marbles

A/N: Darn, I came back to life. Must have been the reviews. Oh well. Anyhow, now that I know you all care (sniffs) I'd like to thankRonWeasley is MY King, Super Shayde, Miss Piratess, PussIn Boots, Insanity-of-the-owl, MoonyROX!, Dazzling Dame, faerie-kittie306 animelover, and Zoicytes-Shadow.You're all my heroes! GO YOU!

Chapter 6: In which Sirius Loses His Marbles

"And I give you every right to," Sirius said, as if agreeing with him.

Remus rolled his eyes and sighed. He ignored Sirius' last comment.

"What do you want for our freedom?" Remus asked. He knew all about trading with tribes of savages. He'd watched all the movies and was very proud of it.

"We want nothing more than for this man-" he pointed to Sirius, "-to behave as grown-ups should."

"Is that why we did this?" George asked, looking disappointed.

"Yes! I told you that before we did it," Percy said, feeling rather annoyed with his fellow youngsters.

"Well, I don't really like this idea," George said, getting angry.

"I agree with George. Why don't we keep them? I could teach one to go fetch," Fred said, nodding his head in agreement.

"Did someone say fetch?" asked Sirius, his eyes lighting up. Remus once again rolled his eyes.

Hermione took up a ruler and whacked both Fred and George in turn.

"Hey, what was-"

"-that for?" the twins said, finishing each other's sentences.

"For going against the leader," Hermione scolded and stomped off.

Remus looked at the ruler with complete joy. "Umm, excuse me, Hermione. May I borrow that ruler for a second?"

"Sure," she said brightly and slipped it into his open mouth.

"Shank shou." He brought it up high over Sirius' head and brought it down with a loud 'thud'.

"What was that for?" Sirius asked, wanting badly now to rub his aching head.

"Shank shou again," Remus said, dropping the ruler back into her hand.

"No problem," she said, taking it and patting Remus on the head.

Remus made a face. Why did everyone do that to him? He turned to Percy who looked very smug.

"Umm, Remus, rude much? I asked you a question. What was that for?" Sirius asked again because of the pain in his neck for turning and waiting for so long.

"Oh, I don't know. I guess I just sort of felt like it," Remus said,suppressing a powerful urge to roll his eyes.

"Oh. Okay, then." He turned back to the toddlers. "Now what was that about fetching?"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" shouted Remus, becoming very irritated and throwing his head onto his knees.

"Whaaattt?" Sirius asked innocently.

"You!"

"What for?"

"Your existence!"

"Well, fine, be that way," said Sirius, putting his nose in the air as if offended by the words.

Hermione stood in between Percy and his captives. "It seems we have reached an impasse," she said, lowering her ruler.

"Hermione is right. Tell you what, we'll let you go if you promise to let me tell Mum all that, that…man has done? Percy said glaring at Sirius from the corner of his eye.

Sirius whimpered, Remus smiled.

"You drive a hard bargain, kid, but okay. I, Remus John Lupin, promise-" He was cut short by an out burst of laughter.

"You have a middle name? And it's JO..JO….JOHN! AHAHAHAHAHAH!" Tears ran down Sirius' face. He turned to Hermione. "HIS MIDDLE NAME IS JOHN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yes, Sirius, my middle name is John. Now, as I was saying-"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! JOHN!!"

"I, Remus-"

"AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"IRemusJohnLupinpromisetoletPercyWeaslytellhismumeverythingthatSiriusBlackdid. There I said it. Now get me away from this lunatic! NOW!"

"As you wish. UNTIE THEM!" he commanded them all.

It looked as if Fred and George wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the ruler that Hermione held close. As soon as Remus and Sirius were free they grabbed the ropes.

"Shall we do it, Sirius?"

"Oh, yes, we shall."

The toddlers looked shocked, they knew what was to come.

"What shall we do?"

"Tie them up, Sirius. Tie them up."

"Oh, yeah. Hee hee. I knew that."

There was anawkward silence.

"No, you didn't."

"Well no, I didn't, but now I do."

Remus slapped his forehead. "Let's just do this okay?"

"Right behind you pal."

They jumped onto the children and tied them up. Then they threw the heap of infants on the ground.

"Now Sirius, push play," Remus commanded, pointing to the VCR.

Sirius saluted him and did as told. The TV turned on and a giant purple thing stood there. It danced and it sang.

Oh, and a horrible song it sang.

" I love you. You love me." Harry and Ron giggled. Fred and George looked at it in shock. And Percy and Hermione scowled.

"What is this Muggle contraption?" Percy asked, looking at Remus, who was leaning against the wall.

"It's called a TV," Remus answered proudly. And dagnabbit, he deserved it, too! He had just handled a moron and seven children.

"I'll never look at dinosaurs the same way again," Percy said, shaking his head.

"Barney?" Hermione asked in shock. "Why Barney?"

"The perfect torture divisce."

"Device, Sirius, device," Remus answered and quietly whispered, "One more hour, one more hour."

"That's what I said, dear Watson." Sirius said.

"My name's Remus, Sirius."

"Of course horses eat watermelon, Remus. How dull are you?"

"But you... Oh, never mind."

"That's exactly what I had in mind. I guess you aren't so thick after all." Sirius walkedoff to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

"TO GET BRAIN FOOD!" Sirius shouted and shut the door.

"How long?" someone asked dramatically. "How long must we watch this?" Percy asked, looking like he would burst into tears at any second.

"An hour exactly," Remus said, still smiling.

The boy whimpered…

...and the dinosaur sang.

A/N: Well, hope you're all still alive. Anyway, this chapter, unfortunately wasn't as funny or random as the last but I promise the next will make up for it. I must go on an expedition in search of some of my old reviewers. I found their names in the Yellow Pages, so you'll all pay. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! HACK-COUGH-HACK! Darn, that never comes out like it should. Oh, well, nonexistent Doritos for all of you and don't forget to R&R. THANK YOU!! GOOD BYE!


	7. OH, NO! NOT THE MOMS!

A/N: Hah, I've finally done it…It…is...ALIVE! (Audience-O-o) Well sorta…Anyway…MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! I HAVE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE! THE THING THAT COULD NEVER BE DONE...OR A WHILE! SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE! Drum roll, if you please. (Some random guy with a drum gets up and starts playing...and playing...and oh dear, this might take a while.)

Chapter 7: OH NO, THE MOMS!

Remus, Percy, Hermione, Fred, and George sat looking at the TV screen in utter horror. Harry, Ron, Draco, and - shall I dare say it? - Sirius were laughing their hearts out and clapping.

"Sirius?" Remus said in a quiet whisper.

Sirius stopped laughing and turned to his friend, wiping a tear from his face. "Yeah, mate?" he asked, then bursts into fits of giggles as the dinosaur once again began to sing.

"Next time we decide to torture the kids with evil movies, let's leave, okay?" Remus asked, still in a hushed whisper.

"Why? I mean, come on, Remus. Look at that. Isn't it funny?"

"Sirius. No!" Remus said more sternly.

"BUT..." He stopped as Remus gave him a "when I say no, that means no" look and sighed. "Oh, all right," he whined, folding his arms on his chest.

"All right, kids. I'll see you tomorrow," said the purple dinosaur and disappeared.

"Aaawwww," all the children (except Hermione and Percy) and Sirius moaned.

"WOOOOOOOO-HHHHHOOOOO!" yelled all the others.

Just then the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Sirius said, but was jerked back by his best friend.

"I'd better do it, okay?" Remus asked.

Sirius nodded and they both glared at the door. "The moms," they said together, as a flash of lightning crashed.

"Wow, that was cool," Sirius said, staring at the air.

Remus rolled his eyes and went to the door brushing himself off. He heaved a long sigh and looked back. Sirius was untying the ropes that were tied around the toddlers. "Okay, here goes nothing," he said to himself. Oh, no. Sirius was rubbing off on him. He was talking to himself. He promptly pushed open the door.

"Hello. This is Sirius Black's Day Care Center. How can I help you?" he asked, looking into Lily's eyes. Boy, Sirius would have been excited. Her eyes had lightning flashing in them. But Remus wasn't excited. Heck, he could hardly breathe, let alone be excited. I mean, this is _mad_ Lily we're talking about. _Mad _Lily is not something nice to see.

"Oh, hello Remus. Where…" She looked over his shoulder but Remus blocked her. "Is…" she continued, looking over his other shoulder, and was once again blocked. "Sirius?" She put her face in front of his. "I'd like to speak with him and see that my child's health is as it was when I left."

"You mean _our children_. Don't you, Potter?" said a dark voice. Great. It was a Malfoy. This is exactly what Remus needed.

"Actually, I only meant _mine,_ Malfoy, because you already poisoned your own child's welfare so bad that there's no reason to care," Lily said, turning to face Narcissa.

"Oh, really? Then give me one good reason why I shouldn't _vaporize _yours so he will be no trouble for my child," Narcissa said, her eyes ablaze but her face calm.

"Because I know you work for the Dark Lord, but I thought there was no reason for you to stoop any lower by killing children," Lily said with the same expression.

Both their hands flew to their pockets and out came their wands. Remus, seeing what was going on, jumped in the way. "Ladies, please, I know both your children are safe and - WHOA! Um, excuse me, but do you mind putting those down?" he said, trying to get Lily and Narcissa's wands away from his heart. But they both refused and glared at him. "Hahaha…I guess not." He gulped and moved from in between them, their eyes following his every move.

"Um, if you two ladies don't mind, I'm just gonna go now…Okay?" The two glaring women didn't stir."Okay," he said and sprinted down the hall screaming for Sirius to "GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" all the way to the living room door.

"SIRIUS!"

No one answered his cries.

"SIRIUS, PLEASE!"

Still there was no answer.

Remus sighed. "Knock, knock," he said in a quiet voice with his eyes shut tight.

"Who is it?" came a squeaky voice from the other side.

He answered. Remus decided to use Sirius' favorite joke. "Boo," he answered, rolling his eyes.

He heard a snort. Yes, it was working. "Boo who?"

"Oh, no," Remus mumbled. He hated the punch line. "Ah, don't cry."

There was an outburst of laughter form the other side. "Okay. Okay. I give up. Get in here," Sirius said, opening the door and wiping a tear from his eye.

"Really Sirius, when will you ever decide to…" He stopped as he saw what Sirius was wearing. It was…It was…A BARNEY COSTUME! "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remus yelled and ran from the room.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Sirius asked, unzipping his costume.

"Away from here!" he yelled over his shoulder. "You're on your own, Sirius," he said as Sirius caught up with him. Remus grabbed a handful of floo powder and stepped into the fireplace. "I'm gonna tell Dumbledore." He threw it in the fireplace and green flames sprang up. "Dumbledore's office - ACHOO! Oh, darn those darn sinuses!" The flames began to roar. "Oh, no. This might take a while," he said before the green flames engulfed him.

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

Sirius whimpered. They were coming to get him.

Quickly he kicked the costume under the nearby table.

He ran out to the moms all crowding by the door. "I'll only be a few minutes, so until then, um, why don't you talk to your kids? See how they're doing?"

All the moms went into the room with the toddlers and he ran to the room with the fireplace. He grabbed a hand full of floo powder and stuck his head inside. "St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries." He threw the powder in. After a while of spinning his head was sticking out of the fireplace in somebody's room. In St. Mungo's.

The man's whole body was in a cast. He moved the bed so that it was facing the fireplace. Instantly, his eyes almost popped right out of his head.

"Hello," Sirius said calmly.

The man began banging on a single big button on a small remote with his whole hand. A young male healer ran into the room. "What is it this time, Mark?"

"HMPH! HMPH! HMPH! HMPH! HMMMMMMM! HMMMMMMMPH! HMMMMMM! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" the man hollered through the cast and fainted on the spot.

The healer turned to the fireplace. "Oh…another one." He sighed. "Hello, welcome to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. How can I help you?"

"Um, hi. Could you save a bed for Sirius Black? I'll be over in about thirty minutes or so."

"Okay."

"Thanks," Sirius said, popping his head back out.

"No problem." The healer sighed then and turned back to Mark."Mark?" He gently pulled his hand up. It fell back down like a rock. He quickly started scribbling notes on his clipboard. "Heart reviving pills and a bucket of water."

"Hello, Sirius," said a calm voice.

Sirius whimpered, then turned to face four _very _angry mothers. "Ladies, can't we talk this over?" Sirius asked, inching away. Their eyes all stuck to him in glares. "I guess not." They rolled up their sleeves. "One second, if you don't mind." He pulled out a bandana and covered his eyes. The women circled him and…

A/N: I'm sorry for this bizarre interruption. But I'm gonna have to skip this to five hours later. I'm sorry, but I've gotta keep this story G-rated or my sister will kick me off. Thank you and enjoy the rest of the story.

_Five hours later_

The door creaked open.

"Here you go, Padfoot," James said sympathetically, pushing the door open.

"Thanks, Prongs," Sirius said quietly, rolling his wheel chair though the front door.

"Sure you can take care of yourself?" James asked, watching his friend helplessly roll into his house.

"Yeah. Thanks," Sirius said as James closed the door.

He quietly rolled to the living room and looked at the TV for a while. "That was rather…enjoyable. I think I'll do it again next week," he said to himself.

_The next week at the meeting of the Order_

"DID YOU KNOW THAT SIRIUS BLACK DRESSED AS THE PURPLE DINOSAUR BARNEY AT FIVE O'CLOCK EXACTLY?" Dumbledore shouted as the whole order laughed at the comment. All except one.

"And they said _I_ was immature," Snape said, rolling his eyes.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," Sirius said. None of the Order laughed at this statement, but they did stare. "What?" Sirius asked innocently.

"AND I HEARD THIS FROM A VERY RELIABLE SOURCE," Dumbledore said, standing up.

"Oh, please don't say my middle name," Remus pleaded quietly.

"Remus John Lupin," Dumbledore said, patting Remus gently on the shoulder.

Sirius burst into a fit of giggles. He leaned over to Snape. "His middle name's John," he whispered into his ear.

"I know," Snape said, eyeing Sirius with a look of pure hatred.

Lily glared at James. "And you made me take my son to _HIS _house, so he could watch _our _poor baby?" Lily shouted, rolling her eyes.

"Sweetie, think of our little boy," James said, flinching and trying to calm his wife down.

"I do. When I think of the divorce papers," Lily said, getting out of her chair.

"WAIT, LILY! I PROMISE NOT TO MAKE YOU LET SIRIUS WATCH HARRY AGAIN!" James cried, following her out the door.

The door slammed behind them.

"Wow, I just ruined a marriage!" Sirius said excitedly.Remus shook his head. Why was he friends with such idiots?

Epilogue -The next night, on his way to the Potters' house, Voldemort got lost. But it didn't take him long to find the house again because of all the screaming that was already going on inside. And that's why Sirius should still be in Azkaban for getting Lily and James to fight, because if they hadn't Voldemort would have stayed lost and Lily and James would still be alive.

**THE END**

A/N: (Yes, that same drum roll is still going on. All of a sudden a random guy gets up and throws a popcorn box at the drummer's head, causing him to fall unconscious.)

"Hey, get on with the show!" he shouted.

I'd like to thank all my readers for staying with it. It was wonderful and I must say a great honor.Too bad this is the last chapter. Goodbye - for now.Who knows? I might just make another story, so keep your eyes peeled. Well, so long.

"Hey, lady!" Remus cried out, standing next to Snape, Sirius, James, Lily, and Voldemort.

"You owe us, lady," Sirius said, glaring at the author.

"For what? I want to know your complaints," said the author.

"You ruined our marriage!" James and Lily chorused.

"Dressed me in a Barney costume!" Sirius cried.

"Gave me sinus problems!" Remus complained.

"Called me immature!" Snape said.

"Had me get lost!"Voldemort yelled."I, madame, do not get lost."

"What do you have to say for yourself?" they all asked in unison.

"That I'm gonna go running, screaming for my life," the author suggested.

"Works for us," Snape smirked.

And now, the auther bids you all farewell as she runs off, screaming in utter terror.


End file.
